The Porter Bureau

Eighteen Lines About Nine States

Colorado was schizophrenic,
Not sure if it was mountain or plain.
Kansas billboards preached that Jesus saves,
When ADULT stores didn’t block their way.
Missouri cured the Kansas woes
With more green hills and less hypocrisy.

Illinois passed quickly by
So many puns for ‘Effingham.’
Indiana was like Illinois
But without the funny city names.
Be wary driving through Oh-hi-oh,
Its corn-lined roads play twisted games.

Pennsylvania, home of Michael Scott.
But Scranton’s still too far away.
West Virginia complained of hill-top mining,
But those darn hills should be blown away.
Maryland’s here, ah what bliss.
I choose you to end this list.

Eighteen Lines About Nine States.

As we prepare to move to Maryland, we’ve been trying to spend as much time with family and friends as possible. So a few weeks ago we went camping in Goblin Valley down in central Utah with my brothers, sister and their familes. Those who saw the film Galaxy Quest will remember Goblin Valley’s sandstone boulders and oddly shaped spires from the “berillum sphere” planet. The good news is that the only green monsters we encountered were the cousins we took with us… who also tried to hit us with rocks. Ah, life imitating art.

As a kid, we went camping in southern Utah about twice or even three times a year. It was my father’s favorite place to camp, and though now I appreciate some of the phenomenal beauty of the place, I grew to really hate the area. In fact, when I organized this trip, my mom commented to my sister, “Porter wants to go to Goblin Valley? But he hates Goblin Valley.” And she was right to say so. I did hate the area (know as the San Raphael Swell). Imagine if every time your parents took you to see a movie, they always took you to see the exact same one. Even if it was the best movie ever made, you would quickly resent the fact that you never got to see anything else. What’s more, it would become clear that the only reason you were seeing a movie in the first place was because your parents wanted to see this particular movie–your enjoyment was an afterthought. So go to the desert I did, again and again and again, bounding along in my father’s suburban, trying to lose myself in a book and ignore the dust and heat.

But the truth is that when I think of growing up, I think of the Utah desert; I think about Goblin Valley, or hiking down the Escalante river. I don’t particularly care for that fact, but it is what it is. Those areas served as a backdrop to my childhood. And the only poems of mine that I think are worth a damn are attempts to capture some of my memories of that place.

As I prepared to move across the country, to a place as defined by its greenery and lushness as Utah is by its chalky red-rocks and desiccation, I knew that I had to take Byron to visit Goblin Valley. Later on, when he asks about how I grew up and what I did as a kid, I want to be able to do more than give him some amateur poetry. I want him to have been to those places and experience some of the same things I did. So, some 20 years since my last trip down there, into the car we went and off to Goblin Valley. And you know what? If you visit once every twenty years, it’s a pretty cool place.

Well, gotta go. I’m making Byron watch Star Wars, episode IV with me. I swear, he just needs to see it a few more times before he understands just how good a movie it is!

Barack Obama

Ok, old news, but at least it’s now official. What I think is truly amazing about the Democratic primary race this year was the way it ended. Or rather, the way it refused to end. I wonder what Sen. Clinton’s end-game is in all this. Early on I felt like the last thing she would ever want was the VPship. Who wants to sit that close to power and yet have none herself (especially if your last name is Clinton)? There is, however, one good thing that comes with being VP: a presumptive nomination for the next P, and that is something worth having. If Hillary is Obama’s VP and he wins, then she is a virtual lock for the party’s nomination in 2016. Except for the fact that she’d be 69 then (she’s 61 now). McCain, whose age is a major factor in this race, would be the oldest president elect at 71 were he to win. Does Sen. Clinton really think that she can defeat ageism and sexism at the same time? I doubt it.

However, were Obama to lose and Clinton were the VP candidate, then she could play the “I told you so” card and waltz into the nomination in 2012. McCain has committed (who knows if he’d follow through) to only serving a single term as president, so Clinton would really be the only “old guard” type in the race.

But what Clinton wants, I believe, is to not take the VP position, but only after Obama offers it to her (as several political pundits have asserted). In so doing, she’s not tied to Obama in anyway if he loses but would still be the presumptive nominee in 2012. The problem she faces, though, is if Obama wins then she’s locked out for eight years and she’ll have to contend with whoever is the VP for the nomination–a fight that she can’t be looking forward to given this year’s outcome.

What isn’t in doubt is that Hillary Clinton is refusing to go gently into the proverbial goodnight. She knows that she, until tonight, possessed a bully pulpit that she’s likely never to have again, at least not for eight more years. She is sending a strong message to the Democratic party that even though Obama has dethroned her, the “Clinton machine,” as it is called, is still a major power in the party and the party leadership needs to make sure that the Clinton’s keep their place at the head of the table. Her most audacious move was to force the Democratic rules committee to rule on the Florida and Michigan primaries. Her fans, as fans are wont to do, conveniently forgot that she promised not to campaign in Florida and Michigan and agreed beforehand that those states would lose their delegates if they moved their primaries. Fast forward to last week and Clinton is suddenly the champion of “every vote counts.” The move is such a transparent power play that birds crash into it regularly. The only reason to reverse herself so brazenly is to send a message to the DNC: don’t you dare look past me, because I can bring this house of cards down on you and torpedo this election as fast as you can spell H-O-P-E.

For the sports/political junkies, a nice parody of the NBA playoffs ads that are currently running:

For our conservative visitors, a look at possible alternative careers (comic or news anchor) for McCain should he fail to win the hearts and minds of the American people:

I thought this was great. Here’s a guy on a political talk show who is supposed to be defending Bush’s ill advised comments about appeasement and Nazis . However, he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about. He has no sense of history and no notion of the actual comparison he’s making. He only knows that Bush and other hardliners have said that anyone willing to talk with our enemies is an “appeaser.”

One of the things I try to teach my writing students is to recognize and avoid logical fallacies, and one of the most commonly used fallacies is the “faulty analogy”: comparing two unlike ideas and drawing conclusions from one and trying to apply them to the other. This conservative pundit can’t even say he’s making a faulty analogy because he doesn’t actually know what the analogy is that he’s making. I can’t think of a better example of how debate and thoughtful exchange have been reduced to sound bites and sloganeering-as-analysis in our current media environment.

I have seen this same “appeaser” argument crop up from a variety of individuals, many of them devout Christians. I must admit, I don’t understand how the teachings of Christ are in anyway compatible with the militant dogma being offered up by hard right. Luke 6 famously tells us to “Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” For me, this sentiment is the core of Christian teaching, and yet it is so easily set aside by those who… I honestly can’t fathom their motives… support a militant, “kill them before they kill us” approach to American foreign policy. What is more disturbing is that the militant right has been able, at least on some level, to label those who contest a “violence as a first resort” policy as unamerican or unpatriotic. The bitter irony is that those who profess Christianity the most (pres. Bush) are the least Christian among us.

So, Diana and I just got back from our fist trip to Maryland. Aside from the flight back, it was a pretty good trip. We were able to visit about a dozen different apartments/townhouses for rent and we got to know the area fairly well. We’ll most likely end up living in a place call Olney, a small suburban town about 30 min outside of Washington DC. I would really have liked to live closer to campus, and I know I’m going to be hating my gas bill, but Olney has some of the best schools in the area and is a safe community–plus the townhouse we found was the best price we could get on a 3 bedroom place.

Still, I’m conflicted. I don’t want to be running away from diversity, nor do I want to prejudge those more densely populated areas, whose greatest drawback appears to be that they have high immigrant populations. What’s more, to the extent that I’m and environmentalist,  I feel particularly bad that I won’t be able to use public transportation. That said, we truly are going into a vast unknown. I’m sure that there are any number of areas closer to the city that are great places to raise a family. The problem is, how does someone who lives on the other side of the country know where those places are? What’s more, there’s no way someone on a student stipend can afford to live in those places. I plead necessity, may the gods of the environment and social consciousness have mercy on my commuting, suburban-living soul.

A friend of mine (Scott) thinks that William Shatner is my doppelganger. And thought I would prefer someone associated with less camp as my evil twin, if you had the misfortune to observe me acting in high school, then you know that The Shat and I share more than our rugged good looks.

Well, today I found out that Bill and I share something else: a love of Priceline.com–and I’m going to join him in spreading the good word. Now, I’m pretty skeptical about anything, and advertising even more so. That’s the reason that I’ve never tried priceline.com before–it’s all just a sham to drive you to their site where they offer you the same prices as everywhere else. Well color me purple and call me Mabel, but priceline is for real! Yup, you heard it here first folks (ok, probably not first).

A regular car rental at Reagan National Airport is $65 a day. Now, anywhere else away from the airport a rental car goes for about $35 a day. I was so desperate not to fall victim to the “you got no where else to go” pricing strategy of the airport car rentals that I tried priceline. Shazam! I put in my bid for the “honest” rental price of $35 a day and got it!

Well, momma Olsen didn’t raise no fool, so I decided to try priceline for my hotel. Shazam again! I got a $160 room for $60 a night. I have to tell you, I’m sold. Whatever gerbils Priceline has running those wheels behind the computer screen are working. So… need to travel? One word: Priceline.

My evil twin and I highly recommend it.

Yes, it’s been a while. However, great news today. On Wednesday the University of Maryland sent me a funding offer which covers tuition for the four years of my PhD and a stipend for teaching classes while I’m there. I am reminded of the end of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the original version, not Tim Burton’s). Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder) says to Charlie, “Do you know what happened to the boy who suddenly got everything he ever wanted?” Charlie responds, “No, what?” And Willy Wonda answers, “He lived happily ever after.” Well, I don’t know that I’ll live happily ever after, and after having completed an MA I have no illusions about graduate school being a walk in the park, but I can tell you that today I do feel like the boy who got everything he ever wanted. Allowing, of course, for the fact that “everything I ever wanted” includes my family… who I’ve decided to bring with me to Maryland.

Ok, I love the new facial hair on Bill. Not only because I’ve taken to wearing a beard myself, but because it makes him totally look like a Bond villain! Or, perhaps his position behind Obama makes him a henchman–either way, it works, baby.

Even better, however, is the look on Obama’s face. One has to wonder just what question he is responding to or to whom he is talking. So, jump right in and offer up what you think Obama is saying. The winner will be given an all expenses paid trip to wherever they currently reside (taxes, title, tips, expenses, not included).

A few primers:

“The ones with the little strawberry on top? Yeah, you’re feelin’ me.”

“Not that “Bill,” but maybe he’ll come around.”

“And then Condoleeaza hands me my passport and says, ’sorry Mr. Obama.’”

“Get it? Get it? The duck had two webbed feet?!”

——————————————————————————————–

And the winner is…

A tie between Scott and Alta!

They say that life is 95% about showing up. Well nothing proves that more than a contest here at The Porter Bureau. In addition to their entries being witty, insightful and bursting with hilarity, Scott and Alta were the only contestants… so they win! Here, reprinted without their permissions, are their entries:

Alta

“When your hunger is pokin’ atcha, ‘pokin atcha” (remember that old Snickers ad?)

Scott

“You doity rat!”

Thanks for playing you two. Nothing will be mailed to you with no instructions on how to not claim your rewards. Congratulations!

Umm, wow. I heard from the University of Maryland today, my top school. I have been accepted! As those crazy enough to apply to graduate school know, typically you want to see a thick envelope since a thin envelope means that all you were sent was the rejection letter. Well, I got a thin envelope in the mail today from the U of Maryland. Obviously I thought the worst. Once again (as with MSU), I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I had been accepted (graduate school official documents that normally make an acceptance letter a thick envelope to follow).

I also heard from the University of Florida today. The news from the swamp was not so good, which made the letter from Maryland all that much more exciting. Getting accepted to Maryland is doubly welcome because it is sufficiently prestigious that I might actually get a job teaching college somewhere when I graduate.

All is not set, however. I was accepted, but I am on a waiting list for funding. I hope to find out soon if that means I just have to wait and I will be funded, or if there’s a chance I won’t be offered funding at all. The University of Maryland is halfway between Washington DC and Baltimore, so it’s an expensive place to live. I might be able to get a job off campus to keep things afloat family wise, but at $9k a semester, there’s no way I’d be able to cover out-of-state tuition. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me. Still, I can’t believe I was accepted there–I really did think that Maryland was above my proverbial pay grade. Here’s hoping that everything works out and I can actually attend.